Appreciate and the Loss of a Child

ap·pre·ci·ate  verb \ə-ˈprē-shē-ˌāt

1.a : to grasp the nature, worth, quality, or significance of <appreciate the difference between right and wrong> b : to value or admire highly <appreciates our work> c : to judge with heightened perception or understanding : be fully aware of <must see it to appreciate it> d : to recognize with gratitude <certainly appreciates your kindness> http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/appreciate 

It is amazing what some people appreciate and the things or people that they don't.

I associate appreciate with taking for granted.  Day to day we take for granted all the ones we love with be here tomorrow when tomorrow is not promised to any of us at any time.  I am guilty too. 

 For example I had gone to bed early around 8:30 PM to get up early for work.  It was summer and my son was home with his friend shooting pool.  

He woke me up to tell me he was going fishing at a friend's cabin.  He loved to fish for catfish and that was done at night.  This was a place he had know all of his 17 years of life.  He knocked on my bedroom door to tell me where he was going, then said, "love ya" and I told him, "Love you too be careful."

Little did I know that those were the last words I would ever say to my son Dustin, my only child.

It was 12:24 AM  the phone rang louder than I had ever heard.  I answered as I tried to sound awake.  A friend of mine on the other end said, "Nancy, Dusty has been in a terrible accident and they are going to life flight him."  Screaming I woke up quick to call another friend to take me to the hospital.  Aimlessly I search for clothes as though I was in someone else's place.  I decided to call David back, "David now you tell me the truth, how bad is it."  I wasn't sure but know now he was crying as he responded, "It's bad Nancy it's really bad."  

Trying to keep it together my friend came to get me and they had decided to take Dusty to our local hospital which is a block from our house. 

It was a dream world that I was walking in to even though I knew that place well having worked there for a short period.  I gave them the insurance info and they escorted my friend and I to a small little room.  How nice it was for them to do that.

Nurses kept coming in asking for his Dad's phone number and address.  "I couldn't tell you my address right now."   He didn't have a phone so I did finally tell them where he lived.

At last the doctor came in as it had seemed like forever before they let me know anything.  He was telling me about his injuries and I rudely interrupted, "I want to know how he is now and when can I see him."  The words from that doctor haunt me still today, "Well he's dead."  I remember falling out of the chair to the floor and whaling.  This could not be true, this is a night mare.

They helped me up from the floor and I hear a nurse, "Mrs. Davis do you want Dustin to be an organ donor?"  Spinning around I spoke some horrible words to that nurse.  Walking away I hear another nurse's voice, "Nancy, it is on his driver license that he wanted to be a donor."  My mind flashed back to when he begged me to let him be a donor.  Once again I spun around to tell this nurse off too when someone that was with me because by this time there were about 20 people around me spoke,"Nancy, you always gave Dusty everything he ever wanted.  Now is your last time to give him what he wanted."

Screaming and cussing I agreed.  All of a sudden the nurse came to take my arm and whisk me away.  "What are you doing and where are you taking me?"  she replied that the Lifeline of Ohio had to talk to me immediately.  "Are you serious I can't eve talk yet and I need a cigarette first."  She told me there was no smoking on the hospital grounds and again I told her a thing or two and walked away. 

Barely remembering much more I do recall a police officer telling the nurse to get me under control.  She said I have been trying to but she won't.  The same thing happened, I turned and looked at the nurse and officer, screaming, "Tell me just exactly how would you be doing if they had just told you that your only child had died?  Should I be celebrating?"   Again some unpleasant words that I didn't even know I knew came out.

I am surrounded by friends and loved ones outside.  I was smoking when the maintenance crew brought out chairs for everyone there.

It was time now for me to talk to Life Line of Ohio for the donor information.  From my birth outside of losing my son and Father this was the most agnoizing, heart breaking, most horrible thing to go through after you just lost the love of  life and your rock.  Awful I tell you awful.  There are no words to describe the devastation from going through the process.  I would never do it again nor would I ever have someone have to do it to me.

My mind was racing did I appreciate my son enough?  Did he know he was loved?  I knew well that I did appreciate him so much and loved him with all of my heart and he knew it.

Since his death I have lost my Daddy, an Uncle and Dustin's best friend that was in the accident with him.  I relived the entire ordeal again as I loved Luke and talked and texted him often.

 Luke was holding a picture of Dusty with raffia around it with a rose.  Luke's Dad said that was the rose Luke got from Dusty's graveside.

Again appreciation came to mind but I knew Luke knew I not only appreciate him but I loved him dearly.

Please let all of those around you know you not only love them but that you appreciate them too.  

Appreciation is huge and people like to know they are appreciated.

Have a wonderful Thursday and appreciate that you got up and so did your love ones.